I haven't posted in so long...well it feels like that to me anyway. Here are my thoughts for the day...

I have come to realize that unless you have a child, YOU HAVE NO IDEA. You may say I'm a "drama queen" because I don't want to leave the house and meet you somewhere because my child is taking a nap, but someday you will understand. And when that someday comes, you will get NO sympathy from me. How have mothers done this "mothering" thing for so long. I dread going anywhere because I know what that ensues (this does include more than just a panic attack) and it's just not worth it, unless it's an all day outing or something. People who don't have children just don't get what mothers go through, it's hard, emotional, tiring, and so many other things. It especially sucks when someone who is not even a mother talks to you in a negative manner about how or what you are doing with your child, for example...breastfeeding. Lets just get this straight right here, right now, this is not always the easiest thing known to man and it's damn near impossible if you have NO effing milk. Lets move past this, please stop asking me about my breastfeeding ability, I feel this is a very inappropriate conversation out in public when you don't know sh*t! Phew...okay I am stepping off of my soapbox now, I will stop cussing now and bring my heart rate down.

So I have been working out every morning (not so much on Saturday and Sunday, oops!) at 5am. I get my ass up and go to the gym and do my cardio and every other day my cardio and weight training. It has been almost two weeks with NO soda (I'm not sure how I'm still alive without caffeine), NO fast food, NO crap, and I'm basically drinking so much water I'm pretty sure I'm nearing the "unhealthy level" of water intake. Anywho, this morning after my usual workout I get home and yell up to Dennis, "hey I'm making some eggs, you want some?". Now this shouldn't be a difficult question, breakfast is the most important meal of the day, not to mention eggs are healthy and full of protein. So Dennis says, "uhmmm....welll....ahhhh....I don't know...maybe....uhmmm...no I'm okay". Really? First off, it takes you that long to say no? Second off, what the heck? I am offering to make breakfast (this happens maybe once a year) and breakfast is important...and you won't be late to work. Why the hell would any normal person say no? So of course I'm like WTF? And then Dennis says, "welll....uhm...okay". Damn right, you're getting damn eggs and you're going to like it! After the eggs were done and I gave Dennis his bowl of eggs that he so desperately did not want, I interrogated him, yes interrogated. Are you having a breakfast ronde vu? Do you have some huge breakfast celebration planned this morning and I am not invited? Do you have other girlfriends that will be partaking in the breakfast that I am not invited to? No normal person says NO to having breakfast made for them. I just don't get it. Really? Do you hate my cooking? Yes I know I make things a little dry and burn things often, but damn...it's still edible. I never really did get an answer...but Dennis sure did eat the eggs!


The "Hold Me" Baby

We have been really lucky with the temperment of our little bundle, until yesterday. Nolan generally is fussy during the day but nothing too terrible and he sleeps and eats just fine. Last night once Dennis got home it was a scream fest (this happened the night before too but he had a tad bit of a fever). Last night there was no fever and no explainable reason for Nolan to be crying but that he wanted to be held. Growing up, with all of the children that I've worked with the ones that drive me insane the most were the ones that wanted to be held constantly. I always blamed the parents for carting them around everywhere and never putting them down anywhere. This is not me...or Dennis. Where does my baby learn this? I read about parents "making the rounds" between the baby swing, the rocker, the bouncer, etc to calm a baby, but Nolan is not having that. He will lay in his rocker now for maybe 3 minutes and start screaming. The same thing happens with the swing and even sometimes the carseat/stroller combo that used to work so well on him. I am terrified of going anywhere with him because I don't want to be the mom with the screaming child. I know this happens often but when it happens to you, you feel like you are the only one in the store with a child and therefore understands the anxiety a parent goes through at that time, you also feel like everyone is staring at you and silently screaming "shut that kid up or we'll lynch you". I know it's inevitably going to happen someday, someday very soon I'm sure but I just don't think I'm ready for it just yet. It really sucks because we actually really need important things in this house, like food for one.

Speaking of important items, there are a lot of them. I am really sucking at this whole motherhood thing I think...I mean sh*t...I'm scared to go to the store! And we need things! For one we need more pacifiers. I honestly believe there is a pacifier thief who comes in unnoticed and steals all the pacifiers in homes. When Nolan was born we started with about 8 pacis and we are now down to 2. And because we put the other end in our mouth (the handle part) constantly just in case Nolan starts screaming, the handle is all messed up and nasty looking. On top of that we need bottle liners for the playtex bottles. So since we are almost out we are just using a Medela bottle that has a nipple that collapses every feeding under Nolan's gum strength. The bottle actually says on the side, "breastfeeding is always the best for baby". I'm pretty sure Medela would kill over if they knew that wasn't breast milk in that bottle. Anyways, I keep telling myself "maybe tomorrow we'll go shopping" and then tomorrow comes and oops no shopping!
On top of Nolan screaming bloody murder through most of the day, he is also sleeping less and less at night. Last night Nolan ate at 12am and then woke up at 4:30am. This is okay for a newborn but not Nolan's normal standard of sleep. We let him cry for thirty minutes until his "okay to wake up time". He actually fell asleep for a few minutes after crying for a while and then woke right back up to screaming. I had to turn the loud fan on in our room so my anxiety didn't go crazy. Nolan ate at 5:30am and went back to bed at 6:30am and is now still asleep (11am). I was very worried and couldn't tell from the monitor if he was still alive so I ran in his room to check on him, sound asleep...but very alive! I read online that you should let them sleep when they want to. I'm pretty sure his extra sleeping in the morning is messing up the nights but I can't bring myself to wake him, they have always said, "never wake a sleeping baby" right? I hope I'm doing the right thing.

As a new mommy you are constantly wondering "what to do"...and maybe I do more than others, but I think that is part of the whole gig. I have an extensive backround in babies and children and still have not a clue about my own child, sad really and devastating to a point. Oh well, it's all part of the game I guess.


Hell Week..not so "hellish"

Well "Hell Week" has officially passed, and I am actually refreshed and thanking god everyday for the kind of baby that I have. Nolan slept through the night every night and never had to cry himself to sleep. It's like he heard me talk to him about sleeping through the night and begging him to please just do it peacefully. Just like Nolan heard me on my blog on July 29th begging him to want to be born earlier, and then the next day he appeared (a little too early though!). Some nights Nolan slept 5 hours, some 6 hours, and some even more. Yesterday we put Nolan to bed at midnight and he woke up at 7am, more amazing was that he ate for about 30 minutes and then went back to bed until 10am. I count my blessings everyday...



"Hell Week"

This week has been termed the "Hell Week" with workman coming and the dreaded sleeping through the night dream that Dr. Corp has for my baby. Well yesterday the workman came and were only here for about thirty minutes (everything was dry) and they took the machines out and gave me my kitchen back. So that wasn't particularly "hellish" by any means. Then I was for sure the next day the home builder warranty person would come by to paint and put up baseboards, but he called and we were able to schedule for that to be done next week to give me a break. Not hellish there either.

Then as the day went on and night time loomed closer and closer I got a pit in my stomach because I just knew what was going to happen. We would feed Nolan at 12am and then put him down...he would sleep for 3-4 hours like he normally does and then wake up screaming. But this time we would have to leave him there until 6am. I was dreading the 3-4 hours of screaming that we would have to ignore.

Last night went just as planned, fed Nolan at 12am (gave him an extra ounce) and then Dennis went to put Nolan to bed. It took a little bit for Nolan to go down but then he was finally passed out. We laid down and I expected to be up around 3-4am...I was sure there was a lot of crying for both Nolan and myself in store. But then something odd happened....I never woke up. There was no crying. I woke up at 5:50am to Dennis' radio alarmed (of course I sung the song in my head...it was a good one!) but there was no crying. Then suddenly I heard crying coming from the monitor. I couldn't believe it. I rubbed my eyes and tried to peel all the nasty gunk from my over tired eyes to look at the clock again, I was sure it was really 3am...it had to be! Nope...it was almost 6am.

So in reality, so far this is not "hell weak" by any means. I am actually getting things in return, like my kitchen back...and sleep.

Oh and finally a schedule is starting to emerge....
12am: Feed 5oz, put to bed
6am: wake and feed 4oz, put back to bed
9am: wake and feed 4oz
10am: lay in the rocker, swaddled, with paci and soundscapes playing on the computer. Sleep for about an hour off and on while mommy is on the computer
12pm: feed 4oz and watch Home Improvement (my highlight of my day...besides of course my lovely son), stay awake
3pm: feed 4oz, nap time! hooray!
6pm: Daddy should be home and takes over the feeding, might sleep
9pm: feed 4oz, might doze off but don't count on it
and then we're back at 12am again!

Lets see how long this schedule lasts, a week? a few days? month? We shall see. I now need to write a little note to my little man...

Dearest Nolan,
When you are trying to sleep in your rocker, with your paci, it does not do any good to spit the pacifier from your mouth and aim it at mommy and then scream when it's not in your mouth anymore. It would be far easier for both of us if you just kept that lovely damn thing in your gorgeous little mouth. I also wouldn't have to duck after hearing the all telling "pop" that tells me a paci is coming my way.


You're my life's one miracle
Everything I've done that's good
And you break my heart with tenderness
And I confess it's true
I never knew a love like this 'til you
~Celine Dion~


Is he breathing?

We have absolutely no schedule whatsoever for Nolan, and I feel really bad for that. Sometimes he sleeps all day, other days he doesn't sleep at all until a late nap in the afternoon. Well today he didn't take a nap until 3ish pm. He slept until 6pm and Dennis fed him. Nolan fussed until 9pm when he was fed again and then at some point after that he went to sleep. It is now 1:16am and still not a word, not a coo, not a fart. I went into our bedroom to check on the monitor because I was sure he was screaming bloody murder and Dennis was sleeping through it and nothing, silence. I quickly took the monitor to Dennis and woke him up with, "do you think he's still breathing?". I'm pretty sure Dennis has never wanted to kill me so badly in his life than right there in that moment. Having a video monitor is nice in the fact that you can look at it and make sure they are breathing by seeing a blanket move or something moving, but he is so still! As I type this he is smacking his lips and getting ready to cuss me out through crying because he hasn't eaten in over 4 hours. I guess waking up for one feeding at night isn't so bad. I refused to go to sleep this entire time because I was sure he would wake up earlier and didn't want to get my hopes up by being able to lay down. Well...Nolan's gone back to sleep now. I'll stay up and wait, I know the pouty face is coming soon.


The Smile Post

I normally get a weekly update about my child's development from three different websites. All of them basically say the same thing but I still like getting three of them, why? I'm not sure. It's not one of the world's greatest mysteries that needs to be solved any time soon, as I'm sure by the end of this month I will have three more websites emailing me to tell me the same thing the other three websites are telling me about my child's development. Oh well.

This week they told me that my child should start smiling but to remember all babies are different. You can't tell a mother this. No, my child will smile! Nolan hasn't smile yet so I was sure he was going to go the rest of his life without smiling, which reminds me of a book, "It Sucked and Then I Cried" by Heather Armstrong...or more popularly "dooce.com". She spoke about having a smileless baby and she was sure her daughter, Leta, would never smile. Well I was convinced too that Nolan would never smile, or atleast anywhere near "on time". Since reading this I have been acting extra dumb around Nolan as in...saying dumb cutesy things that I just know if any other human saw me do they would laugh histerically for days. But I did it all to help that first smile along. Two days after reading about where my child should be at this point, it happened, the ever hoped for and much prayed for smile *le sigh*. I sat Nolan up on his boppy in my lap before a feeding and pushed on his cheeks and told him in the cutest voice I could ever possibly have, how much he looked like his daddy and then he did it...it was so long and gummy and drawn out. Somehow, Dennis was laying with his eyes open in bed looking at us and I swear he missed it because he was not really excited about it :/ and how could anyone not be excited about that first smile?

Speaking of Dennis, he's about to be voted off this island!

Maybe more smiles for tomorrow? We'll see... ;)


Dry Rite Day

Yesterday "the fam" went to a daycare to check it out. It was fine, I'll post more on that later...well maybe. But yesterday at 4pm Dennis tells me that the Dry Rite people want to come right then to our house to dry out our house from the little episode we had with water in our walls the other night. So I tell Dennis absolutely not, we have a schedule and everyone is ready to leave for the daycare...they will have to come some other time. So the lady at Dry Rite tells Dennis that they are really busy tomorrow (which is now today) and doubts they can come tomorrow but will try, if not then for sure on Friday. No one has told me what is going to be done by Dry Rite and all I'm told is someone is going to take a thermal camera and look at the walls for water and then later on use machines to get them dry. Fine, doesn't sound too terrible. This morning I got up like normal and didn't rush to make sure things were in order for Dry Rite to come because I was sure they were too busy today. At 1:30pm I'm feeding Nolan in the big comfy chaise that is so big it takes an army to get out of the damn thing and what do yah know...the doorbell rings. Now this might be quite duh to most people, but our house is not run the same as others so everything is a hassel that involves opening the front door. Lets take a quick inventory shall we...

1) newborn who hasn't napped all day and is still hungry
2) mommy who hasn't showered and is in an outfit you don't go outside in (nothing crazy, just pajamas really)
3) yappy puppy who hates people he doesn't know
4) old ass 50lb bassett hound who barks like no other when someone enters our house
5) schizo cat

So I holler downstairs "HOLD ON" as I run around trying to figure out what to do with the animals and the kid that is not done eating. I can't figure what to do so I scream again to keep holding on and then give up. I go to the door with a newborn in my arms, my yappy puppy on the stairs behind the gate and a 50lb bassett barrelling towards the door as soon as I open it. I quickly shut the door in the work men's faces and secure the bassetts collar in one hand and move newborn to the other hand and scream "come in now". Poor men shoulda just turned around and gotten right back in their cars, I wish I could have. So two of the men are the worker bees and the other man is the queen bee who gets the thermal camera out and looks at all of our walls downstairs for water. The entire time I have my yappy dog barking and my bassett barking. The bassett is jumping all over the worker bees who look damn near terrified. I find a spray bottle and chase my bassett around downstairs squirting her with water to make her stop. I clearly still haven't figured out how to make the dogs stop being annoying and make the situation more peaceful. The queen bee then says, "is it safe to go in the garage"...I said of course there are no more animals! Then the queen bee says, "but what about more children" hahah youre so funny. So he goes towards the door and I ask him to keep the garage door shut so Sadie can follow him around in the garage without bolting. The queen bee asks me where the light is and I tell him on the garage wall, the queen bee feels around and hits the garage door opener. Of course Sadie bolts and I bolt right behind her....STILL HAVE THE NEWBORN IN MY ARMS! Finally catch Sadie (because she's like a large fish you're reeling in) and drag her inside. Yeah I should also mention that I shouldn't be dragging Sadie anywhere because she is really old and has bad arthritus and has not had a pain pill today. I suck. I finally get Sadie inside and tell the men I'm going upstairs to coral the circus and to holler if they need me. I lock Sadie up in our bedroom. I lock the yappy puppy in his cage. I then lock...I mean lay Nolan down in his crib.

The dogs continue to bark and Nolan continues to scream. I go back downstairs to be "helpful" and the queen bee is back in the kitchen and gets out the camera again and shows me where all of the water is in the walls, sweet! Back to reality now. The queen bee goes on to tell me about the equipment...it's loud...it heats up any room its in....im going to need three of them....i cant use my kitchen while the equipments going and that if i need to go in the kitchen to just go under the plastic sheet they are STAPLING to my wall (okay they did leave out the staple part of it, but I later saw the staples in my wall). Okay so I get really nervous because clearly it sounds like he is saying that these driers will be in my home today and will be here for more than a day. So being the dumbass I am, I ask..."how long will the machines be here"...."oh probably until about maybe Monday"....MONDAY!!!!!! Today is Thursday!!!! Sweet Jesus someone catch me...oh wait...no one else is here except annoying animals and a baby who is STILL screaming.

The queen bee packs up his neato equipment and tells me the worker bees will take care of things and he is leaving , reminds me that he has given me his card (which I can't for the life of me find) and to call with any questions. I apologize for living in a f***ing zoo and then queen bee opens up and tells me about three lovely families he has encountered that are way worse, complete with stories of child and animal abuse/neglect. Great! I am off of work and would like to not hear about child abuse for the entire three months I'm off! I couldn't get the man to leave, finally he left! I told the men downstairs if they needed me I would be upstairs and to holler and then I said a prayer for my cat who might just bolt out the damn door that the worker bees are going in and out of constantly.

I went back upstairs and looked at my bassett smacking her lips. She ate something. Oh crap! She hasn't been outside in forever. I go into my bedroom only to smell the remnants of poop...damn dog ate her f***ing poop! Ooo and there is pee. Great! So I get down and clean the carpet. I have never wanted to harm something so much in my life...but then I remember it was basically all my fault. I finished there and went and grabbed ahold of my handsome yet bright red screaming child and made him another 2oz of bottle and fed him...praying he would fall asleep mid suck. No such luck. Kid has been up ALL day and has not taken ONE nap, aren't you tired?? The dogs finally stopped barking but then one of the worker bees came upstairs to the laundry room and barking hell commenced again. I'm sure this didn't help Nolan go to sleep. I rocked Nolan, cuddled Nolan, swaddled Nolan but nothing would get him to sleep.

While rocking with Nolan I can see from his room the laundry room so I can see everything worker bee #1 is doing. He takes one door off the wall and then pulls the dryer out of the wall and rips the base boards out...I thought I was going to throw up. Then tries to pull the other door off with no luck, neither of the worker bees could get that door off but still managed to get the other side of the laundry room's base boards ripped out. Finally everyone started to calm down again and Nolan looked like he might fall asleep, but then the dogs started barking again and there was no hope for little man to sleep. Worker bee #2 brought a large air maching upstairs and put it in front of the laundry room and turned it off. It was loud but not screaming loud. I look down at Nolan and the noise from the air machine made him PASS OUT, can I keep one of these things? I always knew my baby liked "white noise" but didn't realize this much!

While I was feeding Nolan before the men left I began thinking that something was happening next week. I thought about how the men will have to come back on Monday to get all of the equipment and then on Tuesday more workmen to paint and put on new base boards. Then I remember...next week is hell week (Nolan trying to sleep through the night) and then on Wednesday Dennis' mom and stepdad come in from out of town. Instantly I start crying. I suck at whatever this is I'm doing.

Dennis has finally come home and we sat outside talking for a few moments and can actually hear the hum of our house from outside....lovely.


Organizational skills...or lack thereof

Today my little bean is 5 weeks and 6 days old, tomorrow he'll be 6 weeks! It's amazing how time is flown by. He's definiately a little chunker now and his cheeks are so pinchable! Today, Nolan slept after both of his feedings so far which is great and gives me more time to get things ready, shower, eat, etc. This morning's nap Nolan didn't really want to go to bed but I am proud to announce he fussed his way to sleep. Why is that a good thing? Well in about a week we HAVE to try to sleep through the night (6 hrs) and that is going to take a lot of crying. This morning Nolan was fussing (not actively crying) but definiately not asleep. Instead of running to his aid I let him fuss it out this morning. Definiately not like "cry it out" but close and that means there is progress there. There is a light of hope at the end of the "hell week" tunnel! Remember: Hell week is next week when we have to sleep through the night. ...hmmm...is it really sleeping through the night if he's going to be crying the entire time?

This afternoon we are going to Tutor Time for a tour of the daycare and will more than likely put down our first payment for the first week to ensure our spot. Dennis gets a 10% discount which always helps! Thinking about daycare is sad but at the same time I look forward to it. I'm not one of those moms (holy crap I'm a mom...!!) who can be a stay at home mom. I applaud those that are, it's just not for me. Plus I think that Nolan will learn lots and learn to become more social than if I kept him home because I am definiately not the most social person you'll ever meet. I think daycare will definiately be hard but it'll be good for both me and Nolan!

I need to pick a bone with motherhood. I have had a very hard time remembering I'm a mommy. No...I don't forget about Nolan in his rocker or forgot I have a child period but I can't remember to get things organized. Organization is definiately something you need to have a child and be successful at it. For example, today Nolan has slept after both feedings which is great. The next feeding will be between 3:30-4pm and then we need to promptly leave the house to meet Daddy at Tutor Time. Now that means right now I need to be blow drying my hair, putting make up on, and getting clothes out. Normally I wouldn't do those things until right before we left, which would make us late everywhere we went even without a child. I really want to continue cutting coupons and reading my mommy blogs and checking facebook relentlessly (you never know when you might miss the most life changing status update!). I guess if this post does nothing else it reminds me I need to stop now and get ready, I have an hour to do everything I need to before I have to leave with Nolan. Wish us luck!


Good morning!

Well it's officially Tuesday morning, by 9 minutes! Nolan couldn't help but say good morning to his mommy this early. Love it!

Dear Bean,
You finally went to sleep in your rocker and you were even fine when your paci fell out for the 189,548,905th time. Mommy gently takes you to your crib (as if you have a disease so not to wake you) and lays you down with the sounds of the ocean to keep you asleep. You let mommy experience five minutes of laying down on my pillow heaven before you began crying, screaming really. I went to pick you up to see you had spit up. Now just tell me this...who...in their right mind...spits up hours after they ate? You! My little love bug, you! Here I am again, online, not knowing what to do. I know your feeding is in one hour and it's "my turn", so much for sleep. Can you please go back to sleep after eating in an hour? Please?! Here we sit...all over again in your rocker with your pacifier in your mouth. I'm of course waiting for the next time I hear a "plop" and rush your aid to put the pacifier back in again to keep you from screaming. *yawn* At least I can still hear the sounds of the ocean coming from your room, they sort of relax me.

I love you,


The Guest Room

Our house has three bedrooms - master bedroom, Nolan's bedroom, and a computer room. The computer room is going to have to double as a guest room for Dennis' parents to come stay next week. We bought a queen size air mattress. Dennis wants to turn the entire office into a guest bedroom with the computer in it. Well this room is rather small and I of course can see that a queen bed and everything else we have is a bit small, actually more like...it won't fit at all! So Dennis decides his last day off will be spent putting this room together, sweet! So I'm on the computer and Dennis begins blowing up the air mattress. Uh? What about getting stuff out of here first? This doesnt fit! I'm being pushed out of the room! I love my Dennis with everything I have, but sometimes his logic defies common sense! :) Maybe our office will be turned into a guestroom by the time Oma and Fritz get here...MAYBE!


Well Happy Labor Day! I really don't know what to write about today because my brain is about as fried as they come from loss of sleep. Dennis goes back to work tomorrow :/ and I'm not quite sure I'm going to make it without him home. Sad! I'm the mom here, I should kick butt...but all I really want to do....is sleep. Bean learned how to pull my hair two days ago, that's a fun and exciting milestone, not! The first time this happened I forgot to tell Dennis and he picked the baby up from my chest with a whole fist full of hair attached, ouch! I screamed like I have never screamed before.

Recently, I have become obsessed with couponing and discount things. I swear, I became a mom and now I want to save money suddenly. Where was this instinct years ago? I now have coupons and papers strewn across my computer desk, which actually make me anxious just looking at them and knowing I need to keep organizing. A good friend turned me onto google reader and I'm not quite sure how my life [OMG baby closed his eyes, OMG.....one small step for man kind...okay back to what i was saying] was organized before I met google reader, hooray! Now I have all my blogs and discount thingies on one page, horah! [OMG he's still asleep...!!!!]

Is it wrong to put your child back to sleep on wet linens from spitting up? Of course I wouldn't lay him directly on the spit up parts, I kind of just move him around them and lay him where it's dry and then move the camera to where his face is. Now that he's back to sleep I need to start thinking of my plan of attack to get him back in his bed so mommy can sleep in her bed. However, we had two "incidents" this morning and mommy kept moving baby around in the bed to the non wet spots, but now there are two wet spots and mommy would have to put baby in the middle. Am I a bad mommy for entertaining this idea? I can no longer write because I really do need to come up with a plan of attack for getting him out of his vibrating rocker to his bed without him flipping his lid. Hmmm....wish me luck!