The Scientist

Sometimes I feel like a scientist. Like when I was told about Kaleb's condition I was suddenly forced to take terribly boring science and biology classes in college that I didn't want to. And then after those classes I was forced to take advanced versions of said classes. I don't like science. I never have and never will. I never grew up wanting to know about chromosomes or the likely hood that you'll get cruel and devastating news during a pregnancy, especially when you aren't even dealing with genetics here. I try to put on a happy face and go on with our lives, what other options do I have? I don't even know what to tell people anymore when they first find out about Kaleb. I was giving people, what felt like, a lecture in biology and chromosomes. Then I realized these people didn't have to sit through what seemed to be an eternity of genetic counseling, completely with diagrams and pictures. I'm an expert now, and so is Dennis.

I've really been trying to not think about my son's chromosomes but as I've said before, the closer I get to my due date the more I think about it. I don't think Kaleb is going to wait until my c-section date. I've been having "weird" feelings, pressure, PAIN, and other things that should probably not be mentioned on a blog that so many people in my personal life can read about. I only have around 6 more weeks until Kaleb is here for sure, and still not ready (physically, mentally, emotionally). My OB gave us a business card of a counselor that he recommends, after I tell him a sob story about all of the medical bills already rolling in and how we can't pay most of them at this point. So what does he do, gives me a counselors business card. A counselor that will bill us. It's also really hard for me to see any counselor, my minor in college was counseling so I was forced to go through personal counseling with the counseling interns at the school and learn all of the ins and outs of counseling, it's a mind game and I know how to put the puzzle together and I know what they are doing. It's annoying now. Whatever, I suppose I need some type of counseling, who knows.

I've been trying to find other blogs of mommies in the same type situation I'm in but there really aren't many. The blogs I normally come across in my search are the still birth kind. I still read them. My heart goes out to these women, I can't imagine. Actually I can imagine a small part of how they feel, since for a couple of weeks we were told our son would probably not survive past birth. That's a really hard pill to swallow. I remember thinking that if my baby would stay alive in me as long as I was carrying him then I will just find a way to carry him forever. Obviously it's not possible but I remember wanting that. Why would you start a process that you know isn't going to end well, just keep them in and waddle around for the rest of your life. Anyways, I do wish I had more mommies to connect with. I've found a couple who are dealing with serious issues and it's nice for us to all be there for each other. There is a website that lists out different categories of blogs, one of the categories is chromosomal issues however the blogs listed there are still about death and miscarriage, etc. How about women that have children with chromosome abnormalities? Where are they hiding at?

After reading the very sad baby loss blogs it does give me hope and makes me realize that I cannot be sad or upset or whatever I am. And really...I'm not. I'm excited to meet Kaleb and to learn everything about him and protect him from this harsh world, cuddle him, hug him, kiss him, and get him the best medical care that I can. I'm so lucky to be able to get to meet my son and spend a lifetime with him. I can't wait!

On another topic, is there anyone out there that is able to help me with my blog? I want to get the different pages listed at the top that people can click on to go to different pages but I can't figure it out. I also need to completely re-design my blog, the nicer blogs have paid for designs, which I'm really trying to get away from but I want some snappy designs on here. Let me know if anyone is willing to help, especially with the pages.

And yet another topic, one of my faves...NOLAN! He pee peed in his big boy potty yesterday morning, it was marvelous. Of course he hasn't done it since but he'll figure it out. I didn't have a reward system set up so we just clapped, yelled, and danced a lot. :) My little boy is growing up so fast, it's adorable. Today I found another tooth that just came through in the back, his first one towards the back. Oddly enough I hear those are the worst but he didn't even have a fever with this one. Odd. Clearly I'm happy about that but it's weird that he would get a 104 degree fever with front teeth and nothing for back teeth. Oh my silly son. I love my bean!

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