Worry

Do not anticipate, trouble, or worry about what may never happen.  Keep in the sunlight.  ~Benjamin Franklin

I've been letting things really get to me lately. I worry daily and sometimes I cry. I actually think I've done pretty well at keeping it all together, seeing as how I'm back to work and I don't burst into tears anytime a co-worker asks me about Baby K. But since our cardiologist appointment last week I can't help but worry. 

Don't get me wrong, the appointment went fabulously and we learned that baby K won't have the HLHS that we were so very concerned about, which makes his life expectancy increase but something else the doctor said. Dr. Fleishman said that the left side of my sons heart has caught up with the right side and they are now equal in size, but his heart is small all together. Of course we asked why and he said because Kaleb is now measuring small for his gestational age. Dr. Fleishman said his heart is in proportion to his small size now. I didn't dwell on it because a) we had just gotten married b) we had just been told that our son does not have HLHS and that is a MIRACLE and c) what does Dr. Fleishman know about size? He's a cardiologist, not my perinatologist who completes my growth scans. Maybe I also wanted to only hear the good things for once so I could enjoy my amazing day that I was having. But since then I can't help but worry. I was told that if Kaleb slows down in his growth or stops all together they will have to deliver him which is why I get monthly growth scans. Dr. Fleishman is a doctor and while he does not do growth scans to the point of telling me how much my baby weighs he is a DOCTOR and did take the most important measurements. I didn't even ask if Kaleb's femur (the main measurement they take) was the same size it was at my last echo cardiogram with the cardiologist or if it was smaller or if it was bigger, I should have asked. I should have asked. Because clearly if it was bigger that would have made me feel a little better at least. 

I was thinking last night that Dr. Fleishman's minor statement of my son measuring small was like a fleeting statement, one exactly like the technician who completed my 20 weeks gender U/S who said to us that a doctor would go over the results and if they needed to call me they would. That was a very minor statement but I said to Dennis and a friend of mine after leaving that it was odd for her to say that. Normally they just end it by saying, "Congrats! See ya later!". That phrase worried me a little bit but not much...until I heard from Dr. Peppy the next day. Now...in retrospect it makes sense why she said that. So now I wonder if Dr. Fleishman's statement is going to be the same kind of thing? A very minor statement with not much concern behind it, but it has a huge meaning for our lives and Kaleb's life. 

I had a dream last night that I went to my growth scan on Monday and the baby had stopped growing. I had to deliver that day and he was so very tiny. But his feet were not in the wrong place anymore, only some minor physical issues. I dreamt that his ears were VERY low set (common for this disorder) and that he had reallllly long brown hair. Not really sure what that's all about but I remember being ecstatic that his feet weren't sideways anymore. 

I am scared. I can't help but get scared anymore. With Nolan I worried over the dumbest things. With Kaleb there is reason to worry. So much is unknown. I still have no baby items for him because I am terrified he won't ever come home from the hospital. That would break me irrevocably. What would I do with all of the baby things in his room if he didn't come home from the hospital? I still can't believe that I have to live with the daily fear that MY baby won't come home from the hospital. I am so scared. 

I look forward to seeing Kaleb on Monday for the growth scan. I always look forward to seeing him, even if I'm terrified of the outcome of the appointment. Dennis and I sit there starring and almost not blinking trying to get a good glimpse of his feet and his face and his other body parts to see if a hand has opened up or a foot looks straighter, etc. So even though I am worried and scared and blah blah blah...I am excited to see my son on Monday. AND it doesn't hurt that the perinatologist that I think I am seeing this week is the really tall cute one! :) [sorry Dennis...love you]. 


I really should pay more attention to the quote at the top by Benjamin Franklin!