This is the worst waiting ever. My phone rang twice today and I almost had a panic attack each time. The second time I got so pissed that the dumbass people on the other line were even calling me repeatedly I threw my phone into the car cup holder and had a hissy fit. I keep checking my phone to make sure it's working and my heart rate is through the roof. Anything I think about the phone call I start feeling a panic attack, this isn't good. Dennis is still in bed. I can't lay down anymore or I just stare into space and get really upset. It helps to write or talk to people.
It's so hard to get happy about anything right now. Nolan has his school party today (we took donuts, his first time eating one too...lets hope it goes well!) and although I can go I probably won't. It's hard to even smile, even if it's fake. People at his school ask me how I am and all I can say is "fine" with a fake tone. I can't lie to people. I'm not fine. But just about the only thing that makes me happy right now is picking my son up from school and seeing him playing with his friends and learning new things and hearing about what he did that day. So I will continue to pick him up even if I have to fake my happiness.