This is the worst waiting ever. My phone rang twice today and I almost had a panic attack each time. The second time I got so pissed that the dumbass people on the other line were even calling me repeatedly I threw my phone into the car cup holder and had a hissy fit. I keep checking my phone to make sure it's working and my heart rate is through the roof. Anything I think about the phone call I start feeling a panic attack, this isn't good. Dennis is still in bed. I can't lay down anymore or I just stare into space and get really upset. It helps to write or talk to people.

It's so hard to get happy about anything right now. Nolan has his school party today (we took donuts, his first time eating one too...lets hope it goes well!) and although I can go I probably won't. It's hard to even smile, even if it's fake. People at his school ask me how I am and all I can say is "fine" with a fake tone. I can't lie to people. I'm not fine. But just about the only thing that makes me happy right now is picking my son up from school and seeing him playing with his friends and learning new things and hearing about what he did that day. So I will continue to pick him up even if I have to fake my happiness.

3 thoughts:


Hi Momma-

I just read your "update" post in the Jan 2011 board and I wanted to come read your blog.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling people "Not so great, we're waiting on some test results which is stressful but we are making it."

If the only thing that makes you happy is picking up your son, and hearing him speak to you, that is real happiness. Cherish the times when you feel happy, so you can remember it later in the day and smile about it.

I have an account here also, and at BBC my S/N is SarieC, feel free to send a message. I don't have experience but I'll definetly hear you out if you need to vent! <3


Thank you sara, how do I look people up on bbc so I can add you as a friend. I also started following your blog. Thanks for your thoughts during this time :)


Your very welcome!
I think you might be able to search in the group... I'll add you from your post, it'll be easier.

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