8.19.2010

Indescribable

There's a continuation of bombs that won't stop exploding. Just when I think I am grasping the fate of this little one and can do something about it another one goes off that is worse than the last bomb. I can't describe how this feels, almost like a sick joke. I don't want to eat. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to do anything but just stare into space. I don't feel alive anymore, something terrible has been taken away from me. I can't write about it and I hate to think about it. If I could have hid my phone today I would have. I didn't want to talk to anyone and I couldn't even cry. The news is so unbelievable I can't even cry. After meeting with the perinatologist at the hospital I sat outside on a bench waiting for Dennis to pull the car up (I had an amniocentesis and needed to rest as much as I could) and it felt like the world was going on without me in it. I saw mommies around me with babies in strollers and pregnant women smiling to have just found out what they were having, I saw valet workers laughing about their friends and cars whizzing by...I wasn't there in that moment. I was somewhere else...I had been paused and the world continued. What a weird feeling. Tomorrow will be another struggle and maybe soon I will be able to write about the horrible things that are happening right now. For now it almost feels like therapy to just write how I feel, I need to journal because I will always want this to look back on.

4 thoughts:

3saints

I am so sorry. Please just know that there are people pulling for you and your sweet family.

Warmly
Kate

Erin

Kate, thank you so much for your kind words. I read your blog often to check on your wonderful children and see how Kyle is doing. I think about you guys often and say prayers for your family.

Happy Working Mom

I'm over here from Babycenter and I just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you and your family. I can't even begin to imagine how you feel right now, but you're in my prayers!

-Debbie

michelle k

I know I already wrote on FB, but I'm just in shock. I wish I were closer. I feel like we've kind of bonded through having our babies and having the same sort of ideals in being mommies. I really wish I were there to pick up Nolan for you and take him for a few hours on a playdate or do dishes or laundry or make you dinner. Anything. My heart is hurting for you, Erin. I'm keeping your blog up and will be checking all day, for real. So blog asap when you find out more! I know EXACTLY what you mean, when your whole world changes and it feels like the rest of the world is just moving on. You just want to yell, "Don't you realize what just happened?!" Oh, and I also wanted to say, I LOVE that quote at the end of your previous post.

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