Indescribable

There's a continuation of bombs that won't stop exploding. Just when I think I am grasping the fate of this little one and can do something about it another one goes off that is worse than the last bomb. I can't describe how this feels, almost like a sick joke. I don't want to eat. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to do anything but just stare into space. I don't feel alive anymore, something terrible has been taken away from me. I can't write about it and I hate to think about it. If I could have hid my phone today I would have. I didn't want to talk to anyone and I couldn't even cry. The news is so unbelievable I can't even cry. After meeting with the perinatologist at the hospital I sat outside on a bench waiting for Dennis to pull the car up (I had an amniocentesis and needed to rest as much as I could) and it felt like the world was going on without me in it. I saw mommies around me with babies in strollers and pregnant women smiling to have just found out what they were having, I saw valet workers laughing about their friends and cars whizzing by...I wasn't there in that moment. I was somewhere else...I had been paused and the world continued. What a weird feeling. Tomorrow will be another struggle and maybe soon I will be able to write about the horrible things that are happening right now. For now it almost feels like therapy to just write how I feel, I need to journal because I will always want this to look back on.