Strength

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' 

-Eleanore Roosevelt-

I've been thinking a lot about strength lately. It's interesting to me that when you go through very difficult times that people call you strong, when in reality you are just surviving. It's hard to explain unless you have been through some terrible...TERRIBLE event in your life. I remember when I was 21 weeks pregnant with Kaleb and I lost all hope. The specialists said that he would not live and I was terrified that if he did he would be disabled for his entire life. I can't believe how immature, dumb, and naive I was at that time. After we received the news that Kaleb had Trisomy 9 we were devasted. People always told us how strong and amazing we were but we felt everything but those things. I think we laid in bed for the first week. Just laid there. We were so tired but it was so hard to even close our eyes. So many times I asked myself if this was happening, was this really happening to me? I guess I thought I was untouchable at that point in my life. When we had to leave the house for blood work or other labs we would go to Sonic which was our "sorrow food".

I tried telling those close to me that I was not strong...not at all. I was living (although barely). My only option was to continue moving forward. I couldn't erase time, I couldn't take away the extra chromosome that my son had, all I could do was keep breathing. I did what any parent would do in a time of crisis. You try to make the best of that situation and if you can't you just breath. Time will pass...situations will not get any easier but you will learn coping strategies so that it is easier on you. 

I wouldn't change a thing about my life and Kaleb. When I was pregnant I was terrified...what will other kids say about him? how will Nolan be affected by a special needs siblings? Will he ever be able to be independent?  I don't worry about those things anymore. Screw the other kids. And Nolan is absolutely in love with his brother and so protective of him at school. Even if he is not independent I will be there to make sure he is safe and happy. 

I've said it so many times before but Kaleb has taught me so much about life. Kaleb is such a special part of my life and he reminds me on a daily basis how amazing he is. I can't believe I almost let the "specialists" tell me how terrible the situation was and that aborting my baby was an option. You make your own life, destiny, future. I am so glad that my future includes a special baby boy named Kaleb. I love that little boy, along with his brother and their daddy.