Our New Normal: Goodbye

If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together...

there is something you must always remember,

You are braver than you believe,

stronger than you seem,

and smarter than you think.

But the most important thing is,

even if we’re apart...

I’ll always be with you.

-- Winnie the Pooh

This has been a pretty rough weekend. Beginning Thursday night Kaleb started waking up in pain, reminiscent of the days before we knew he had a milk protein allergy and his intestines were bleeding. It hasn't gotten any better, only worse. We aren't sleeping. We stayed up until 3am this morning trying to get him to go to sleep [he normally goes to bed around 11pm and sleeps a full 8 hours]. We finally got him to sleep about an hour ago and that is the most he has slept in the past 24 hours. Poor thing . We took him to the doctor yesterday because he also had a fever of 102. With all of Kaleb's issues we can't risk it to say "ehhh it's just a viral thing" or whatever. You never know what could happen. They thought he may have a UTI but he was all clear so the doctor [not our normal doctor] just wrote it off as a virus or something. I tried to tell her he was in extreme pain at times, but obviously you can't get a diagnosis off how high pitched a cry is. I wish you could. I suspect there is something going on with his kidneys and ureters [remember-- his ureters are dilated which may indicate a blockage]. We weren't able to get in to see the Urologist until April 19th so until then we have to hope that his ureter issue isn't serious [stupid doctors]. We monitor his temperature almost too often and make sure he is doing all of the other things he's supposed to be doing. Our regular doctor is back tomorrow so we may take him back then since she knows all of his diagnoses [plus maybe she can wave her magical pediatrician wand and get us into the Urologist sooner...maybe?].

After the doctor's visit I was so drained. We waited forever for Kaleb to pee in his bag after they "bagged" him and were there past closing time. While we were at the doctors office I got a call from my aunt. I was hoping she was calling me back since I had left her a message earlier in the week and wasn't calling to tell me that my cousin passed away. I just knew she was just calling me back...but I was wrong. She told my my dear cousin, Patti, had passed away the night before. This was something we were expecting but that never makes it easier to deal with. Patti was diagnosed with breast cancer nearly 10 years ago and since then has battled cancer throughout her body. I found out the day after I had Kaleb, while I was sitting in the NICU that her cancer had spread to her brain and there was no more they could do for her. She was put in hospice, could not really communicate anymore (I couldn't even call her to tell her how much she meant to me once I found out and tell her I love her one more time), and she was only given a month to live. I was devastated. She's made it through so many treatments and battles and always had a smile on her face. She was the most positive person I have ever met and I mean that in the deepest way. She was giving and beautiful and so very caring. When we would talk she always asked how I was, how was my family, was I okay....she didn't fret and always made sure others around her were alright. I don't think this sort of thing should happen to anyone, but it's so frustrating that it happened to this person, she was truly one of a kind. The last time I saw her I was pregnant with Nolan, she was so supportive and offered to throw me a wedding shower. She has been a constant strength for me when it comes to issues with my dad. That's another thing. My dad and Patti were VERY close, I would venture to say they had a closer bond than him and I do. Recently my dad hasn't been able to talk about Patti without breaking down or getting upset. So naturally I worried about him, not only that but he's very sick these days. I worry that her passing is going to negatively affect his health. Patti was always there for my dad. I hope she knew how much that meant to me. I constantly have people checking up on my father to make sure he is okay, and with her I knew she would talk to him nearly daily and if there was a problem she would call me or get him help. I always knew I could call her and talk to her about my concerns about my "family" issues [I'm pretty secretive about those] and she always made me feel so much better. Thank you for everything you did for everyone Patti. We are all so lucky to have you in our lives, we are so blessed. Please watch over my family, especially Kaleb and show him to be as strong as you were through all of the ups and downs he will go through in life. I <3 you.