I know everyone is telling me right now how amazingly strong I am and etc etc, but truthfully, I'm not. The mornings and the nights are the worst because obviously I am not busy chasing after a one year old, working, or dealing with dumb asses. The song below was a song I had on repeat years ago just because I like the band...but now it's become meaningful. I know the words are dark and depressing, but whatever. I'm depressed sometimes...and angry. I'm actually a lot more angry than depressed lately. I guess I'm just going through all of the stages of grief. I'm mostly positive...I promise but this "situation" is unimaginable to someone who has not been through this. Just the feeling that even if your baby does survive outside of your womb, that you will more than likely have to bury your child...even at the age of 30...40...50. It's a terrible place to be. Thank god I have Dennis and my mommies board and my dear friends. I know I've described it before, but sometimes I really just feel like the world is moving and I'm paused. That's where the similarities are in the song lyrics...no I don't wake up and wish that I was dead, EVER. I wake up, I think for a while, and then I cry and then I talk to Kaleb and then I hold on to Dennis. Now I must go to sleep before I drive myself crazy with researching and trying to find others "like me". Goodnight...

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head 
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

Everything that I said I'd do 
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn 
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by 
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill 
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

Woke up and wished that I was dead 
With an aching in my head 
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

I thought of you and where you'd gone 
And the world spins madly on. 

3 thoughts:


You are in such a difficult place right now - a place I found myself in with my pregnancy last year. We didn't do the amnio, so we didn't know what was wrong. All we knew was that there were severe issues, and the chances of survival for our daughter were only 25%. I wish I could be one of those stories to say "we had these awful odds and overcame them", but I can't (but please remember our situations are different). But from the poor prenatal diagnosis side of things, I understand, and wanted to offer my support. I've been there, and it's not an easy place to be.

Hugs and prayers...


Thank you Heather for your comment. Are you from BBC? I'm sure what you went through is so hard but I'd love to hear your story, even if you weren't able to overcome those odds. I'm scared we won't be able to overcome them either and I can't imagine the pain of that situation. I hope you are doing better and have some peace after what you have been through. Hugs..


I just went back and read some of your posts, and your feelings and experiences are so similar to what I went through with my pregnancy. To be told such jarring news is heartbreaking. There are no words to describe it. My ending was truly a miracle, but most people who have a child with IUGR as severe as my baby's do not make it. So that is what the doctors told me, from week 19 until week 31, and I delivered her at week 32.

How did I handle it? I started following blogs of women who had gone through a poor prenatal diagnoses or women who had lost their babies. I began preparing myself for the worst and also preparing myself for a miracle. I got angry. I ate a lot. I went on disability from work. It was a horrific time that I will never, ever forget.

You can go back in my blog and read my experiences and how I got through that time. My nightmare started in April. My blog saved me.

I was told to terminate. We were sent to specialists who were so negative. I just couldn't do it.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is not fair. I am praying for you tonight, that you will find peace.

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