A year ago...

It's hard to think back to a year ago, right before I had Kaleb actually. Everything has changed since then, literally everything. Everything I have known is gone, and for once I feel like that is a good thing. It's hard to remember what it was like to go to appointment after appointment of doctors telling me they don't know anything about Trisomy 9 or his heart defect or how his life would be impacted by all of this. We still go to appointment after appointment but it's much more positive.

I remember being a wreck...a complete and utter ridiculous amount of wreckage. Some days I couldn't get out of bed, other days I sat online and researched for hours....crying through all of it.

I do remember every two weeks having to get an echo done on Kaleb's heart at the cardiologists' office and praying to God that the left side of his heart magically grew, and then I remember being absolutely shocked when it actually did...grow...to the normal appropriate size. {they thought baby K had hypoplastic left heart syndrome} It was amazing. It was a miracle...even though I didn't believe in those kind of things. I hated those appointments. For 45 minutes I would lay on the table with the technologist doing the ultrasound not saying a damn word. Nothing. We sat in complete silence for 45 minutes. Every appointment felt like an eternity and I was just waiting for the bad news. It's so quiet because obviously there is something wrong. I would stare at her face...stone cold. When she would move her eyes up I was sure she found something dreadful. I do remember being excited to see his hands open up during those ultrasounds because my perinatologist had told me that his hands were basically fused shut. Kaleb was already proving them wrong.

Now that I've been writing this post I actually feel like I can remember that time quite well. And the feelings that I had at those times. It's almost like a certain smell or song that comes on and almost takes you back to that exact spot in time and you can almost feel it all over again. Like that...but I don't feel sadness now. Well, at least not like I did. Am I still sad? Yes. But mostly when we get different specialists or different tests or find out something new thats wrong...and of course the one that bugs me the most...the issues that my son may never walk. That can always make me cry.

I'm in a very happy place right now. I have everything I need and I will do anything for my children. I don't feel like the world is ending, or begging to not wake up the next morning (thank God for Nolan though...he kept me going).

Wow...it's really been a year? Thank God!

I can't believe if I didn't have my Trisomy 9 baby I wouldn't have these baby blues in my life. Thank goodness for baby blues. :)