The Bomb

One moment my life was just fine and then in another moment it was like a bomb went off.

Dennis and I went for our 20 week anatomy ultrasound on 8/16. We found it was a boy and things went just fine. The technician said something about who reads the scans and she is only a technician and not a doctor and if my doctor needs to call me he will. We worried for a mere second about why she would say that and then went back to celebrating another boy and showing his picture to everyone. My life was as it always had been for the next 23 hours. The next morning I got a phone call from a number I didn't have programmed in my phone at 7:15 am. I screen all of my calls so I didn't answer, and I was still in bed trying to sleep. Something clicked though when a voice mail was left, what if it was the doctor? I listened to the message, "Erin, Dr. Peppy here. Call me back as soon as you get this message". My life...our lives...were forever changed by that one simple voice mail (which still sits in my voice mail box). I called Dr. Peppy back who is actually normally very peppy, but not for this call. He told me there was something wrong with the baby's extremities. He said he doesn't know what it all means but the baby may possibly have clubbed feet but also has abnormalities in his arms as well. I sobbed. I didn't ask questions. I just sobbed. I did however mange to write key words down that I heard during the phone call, because I knew that was one important call. He told me to come to his office for a blood work form to get done immediately and he would refer me to a specialist. Dennis and I went to his office to pick up the paperwork, Dr. Peppy happened to walk by and waved happily as he does to all of his patients. Then he realized who he was waving at and that clearly the woman he was waving at, at the front desk desperately needed help and guidance...I had no make up on and my eyes were severely swollen with my face entirely red. I tried to keep my sunglasses on as long as possible when I entered the doctors office, until it just felt un-cool and "jersey shore" like of me to do so any longer. Anyways, Dr. Peppy grabbed me by my hand and held it on the way into his office. He showed us with his hands/arms what our baby looks like and again said he doesn't know what is going on and that's why we need the specialist. He kept saying how important it was to rush and we need to hurry because I have "decisions" to make. He didn't need to tell me what decisions I needed to make, it was pretty clear. Dr. Peppy hugged me, as he always does when he sees patients and we left. I went to Quest to get my blood drawn and while there the lab lady who took my info asked me if I was going to be okay (I'm telling you, I looked HORRIBLE). We got to talking and she told me about her amnio experience. She also then bumped me to the front of the line and I was in and out in 10 minutes. Amazing.

Dennis and I decided to go out to Tampa to spend the day with my mom with Nolan. It helped get my mind off of things and kept me away from the vast knowledge of Google. I didn't hear from the specialist all day.

Wednesday: Finally the specialist called me this morning and set the appointment for tomorrow morning. They explained I would see a perinatologist (OB specialist) who would give me another sono, read the results, and if they recommend an amnio at that point I can have one right away. This is all so scary and obviously I don't want a huge needle going through my stomach to my uterus but I'll do anything for this little man. We need answers and I'm so excited to be moving forward and finally feeling like I can do something here.

I am so blessed to have the family and friends that I have. Everyone has been so supportive, it's amazing what a crisis teaches you about those around you. :)

"Have you ever thrown a fistful of glitter in the air? Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don't care? It's only half past the point of no return, the tip of the iceburg, the sun before the burn, the thunder before the lightning, the breath before the phrase, have you ever felt this way?"

20 Weeks

With 20 weeks comes a very heavy heart. I don't know what the future has in store for us or Nemo but for now I have to have hope.

"Baby gulps down several ounces of amniotic fluid every day, both for nutrition and to practice swallowing and digesting. And, these days, those taste buds actually work! Studies show that after birth, babies respond best to tastes they've already had via amniotic fluid. Meaning, think about what you'd like your future child to eat as you prepare your own lunch."

How far along? 20 weeks 2 days
Baby’s Size: A cantalope- 10 1/2 ounces and 6 1/2 inches.
Total Weight Gain: If any...only a few pounds.
Maternity Clothes: Sometimes.
Gender: We're having a boy.
Movement: His little kicks have a whole new meaning now. Things are most certainly changed. I'm  happy to feel the kicks, reminds me he is in there and moving all around.
Sleep: Has been fine. Last night was the first night of sleep since finding out the results of our ultrasound and I slept alright, when I woke up I was sure it was all a nightmare. When I realized it wasn't I just sobbed in bed.
Symptoms: not too much
Best Moments this week: Finding out we are having a boy :)
Food Cravings: popsicles
Food Aversions: nuggest
What I miss: the "before"
What I am Looking forward to: Hearing from the specialist, completing all the tests so we can get some answers.
Milestones: I'm halfway through the pregnancy. The baby will come before my due date so maybe even a little less than halfway left.

19 Weeks

"Vernix caseosa, a greasy white substance made of lanugo, oil and dead skin cells (yum) now coats baby's skin, shielding it from the amniotic fluid. (Picture yourself after a nine-month bath, and the need for protection makes sense.) You might actually get to see the vernix at birth, especially if baby is premature."

How far along? 19 weeks!
Baby’s Size: mango
Total Weight Gain: 0lbs, I'm amazing!!!
Maternity Clothes: I wear maternity shirts most days but can get away with my non maternity pants on some days, although on the days I do wear them they cut into my stomach area so I should probably stop wearing them but I really don't like maternity work pants.
Gender: No clue. I'll find out in exactly 5 days! We all think it's a boy, but I'm still holding out for a possible girl. But really...EVERYTHING points to boy.
Movement: Not just feeling the baby at night anymore, it's a great reminder that little nemo is in there. Especially with house crazy my life gets with a one year old to chase after.
Sleep: I can't get enough. I'm still exhausted like women are in the first trimester. I can barely keep my eyes open now. Blah... But when I do go to sleep I stay asleep until about 4-5am and then my bladder is so full I'm in pain but so tired I REFUSE to get out of bed. I know, that's bad. No need to lecture...I'm not going to change it.
Symptoms: Well I officially haven't thrown up in a little over a WEEK. Holy cow! I haven't even really been nauseous, It's a miracle! I haven't had EXTREME hunger either. Everyone now and then I will crave one certain food but my main obsession is still popsicles, my weakness. Sometimes I will skip dinner just to have SEVERAL popsicles.
Best Moments this week: The fact that I haven't thrown up all week!! And all the fun movements, feels like muscles twitching. 
Food Cravings: P O P S I C L E S
Food Aversions: chicken nuggets
What I miss: my work pants fitting without hurting my belly.
What I am Looking forward to: LEVEL II SONO in FIVE DAYS!!!!
Milestones: Uhmm...none? 

Daycare?

I am becoming more and more frantic as the days pass about what I'm going to do with the children (that sounds so weird) for daycare. Our daycare has told us they will give us 10% off Nolan's rate however that is still us paying ohhh I would say about $400 A WEEK. WTH? I absolutely love his daycare, he has friends and is attached. It breaks my heart to think about having to take him out of there, but I have to. Ugh. I'm a terrible mommy. There is just no way we can afford that. I am trying to find an in home place but I am so weary of those and to find one that will also have an infant opening at the same time they have a toddler opening is almost slim to none. Our last ditch idea would be Dennis to be a stay at home daddy but really, how hilarious is that idea? I would feel terrible. Dennis enjoys work and so do I. I'm sorry to all those "extreme" mommies out there but I don't want to be a stay at home mommy. Kids are great, no doubt but it's a different things to be home with them 24 hours unless that is the type of person you are. Like my dear friend Jessica. Maybe I could make her quit her job (my co-worker) and have her watch my kids and her son? GREAT IDEA!! Dennis wouldn't enjoy being a stay at home daddy even if he says he would. I think in the end it would cause a great amount of stress in our relationship and that is one thing that is actually going pretty great lately. :)

Jessica, if you read this start preparing your resignation letter. I'll miss you at work but you'll be GREAT at home with the kids. Thanks!

July 29, 2010

Dear Nemo,
I felt you move for the first time tonight (7/29/10). It was amazing and I had forgotten what that "butterfly" type feeling even felt like. It's amazing how much you forget in such a short time period. You're movement made me feel so much better because as I was laying in bed I was thinking about my other baby turning the big ONE the next morning and feeling so many emotions from that. I realized that I will soon have two babies and no matter how old the both of you are at any time of your lives, I will probably always call you both my babies. Now of course I can mainly feel you moving at night since I'm laying still. Things are hectic right now and sometimes I honestly forget I'm even pregnant but I love spending the nights with you and feeling your little limbs poke me. That's our special time :) I love you nemo and can't wait to meet you!

~Mommy

15 Weeks-Nemo

Today I'm 15 weeks pregnant..I'm in the second trimester. Oh yay. Can you tell I'm excited? When I was pregnant with Nolan I was sure every week actually meant I was A LOT closer to having a baby but even the last month you just want it to be over with so I'm not getting all excited every time I move to a new week or even trimester at this point. I have 5 more weeks until my level 2 u/s which will tell us if I'm going to have three boys (Dennis is a kid too!) or a pretty little girl with bows in her hair. :) I'd love to have a daughter but it would be really cool to see Nolan with a brother so close in age, they would be the bestest of friends. Anyways, that's FIVE weeks away...not getting to excited yet.

Pregnancy with Nolan was pure hell. I threw up almost DAILY for 8 MONTHS and had all sorts of other weird symptoms. The first trimester with nemo was terrible but in a different way. I only threw up once but I had very strong waves of nausea and I would have to search for suitable food (once ending up at Burger King and I don't even like the place...). Anyways, starting the second trimester things were much better. For about a week I had NO symptoms and things were GREAT. Then Little Ceasar's happened. Ugh. I was craving LC's and made Dennis go get my some, he got a pepperoni and cheese because he didn't know what I wanted. So in the car he opened one and started eating it so I dug in as well, terrible manners! After the first I got a wave of nausea like I was in the first trimester...normally then I would eat more and finally feel better with no throwing up. So I ate more pizza, duh. Suddenly I throw my hands over my mouth and tell Dennis I'm going to throw up in his car, Dennis runs a read light and pulls over on the side of the road...I jump out and I'm sure you can guess what happens next. Cars passing us by...one even honked at us. So embarrassing. Since then I'm throwing up a few times a week. Over the weekend I was alone with Nolan so I scooped him up and shut us in the bathroom together. Probably a terrible parenting moment but the other option was to leave Nolan in my bedroom where he can pull bookcases down and get into a lot of trouble so I opted to scar him for the rest of his life. Nolan just sat there starring at me, "WTH is wrong with this lady?"

Hopefully things don't last the entire pregnancy like with Nolan..ugh the thought of that scares me. I don't have any other weird symptoms but I think those came later on with Nolan.

I had my 2nd OB appointment on July 8th...we finally got to hear the heartbeat. I think it was something like 140bpm so of course the doctor says based on his experience he is guessing the baby is a boy. Maybe he would have liked to guess who was next in line to punch him? That's alright..I hear there are some girls in the world who had 140bpm in their mommies tummies...right? That's what Nolan's heart rate was my entire pregnancy. I am in so much trouble with three boys.

Nolan and Dennis team up...it's cute most of the time but sometimes (like 4am) it's just annoying. This morning Nolan woke up at 4am because he's teething and that always means an early wake up. So this morning I go to his room and he stands up and goes to the other end of his crib and looks into our room (they are on opposite sides of the hall) and looks for Dennis. Yes, at 4am my son is discriminating against me. So Nolan starts playing the game that I'm the one who taught Dennis how to play with Nolan where Nolan screams and then Dennis is supposed to scream back so Nolan know's he's there. So finally Dennis starts playing back from our room and Nolan just stands there playing the game with Dennis across the hall, AT FOUR AM! Hello?!?! Did I just wake up to rescue my pain ridden baby? Or am I just here to watch a game? Yesterday morning Nolan actually pushed my hand off of his crib while he looked for Dennis...Dennis wasn't here so he was stuck with me. Too bad kid.

Busy July...always time for a temper tantrum.

Yep. My son is tantrum-ing already. Seriously? He's not even a year old yet. Does it really start this early? He's mad about EVERYTHING. This afternoon he wanted the remote (crying and screaming for it) so I let him have it (why not?)...he played with it for a few minutes and then threw it at me and starting crying all over again. He's obsessed with throwing...anything...at anyone or anything. Everyone keeps saying well maybe his teeth hurt. Look, he did just cut A TOOTH and only has TWO other teeth so it's not like he's growing five teeth a week, or I would understand. He is constantly mad. When the throwing obsession began I sat down and talked to Dennis about the possibility of him learning it from us. WHAT? I'm losing it. Like I go around throwing things at people. I was trying to find a logical explanation because I need something concrete rather than "that's just what kids do" sorta thing. This morning Nolan opened the bottom of the printer (where the paper comes out) and threw a handful of cheerios inside. We were supposed to go shopping today for his birthday but Nolan's morning nap ran through noon and I knew if we left then it would not only be scorching out but Nolan would be during his afternoon nap and therefore we would run the risk of him hurling random items at passer-byers at the stores. I'm going to try again tomorrow morning after breakfast...sometimes he's alright without his morning nap but that afternoon nap is a must have. Dennis is also working all weekend so this pregnant lady is all alone with a screaming-throwing-unhappy baby who also hits me on occasion. Thank god I've gotten most of my energy back from the first trimester so I'm not totally exhausted! Wish us luck tomorrow...